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Self challenge   
11:21am 31/03/2006
  So i'm doing the SELF challenge as of this morning.

(Self.com) or the magazine

it says that i should loose 10 lbs and look way more toned in jus a month!

so im gonna follow it way strictly and see if it works:)

try it. its really healthy and you actually get to eat and you get more energy. impressive...i hope it works. if not im gonna fast again. but im up for givin it a try;)

(i havent been around in a while...hope everyone is doing well. <3<3<3)
11:10pm 17/01/2006

She was always the “skinny one”.
“You’re so skinny”, “You can eat anything”, “I hate you”,
They would say.
Only longing to have what she blindly possessed.
‘Do they truly hate me?’ she would ponder.
Flattered and yet hated.

Then after years of “eating anything”.
Metabolism caught up to her.
She gained but one pound.
Shocked, she felt wrong.
‘This is not me, I’m the “skinny one”’.
Because that was what they had told her.

Corrupted, she went out alone and found a friend,
A friend whose goal was to kill.
But naïve, she plunged.
Starving and craving,
She felt accomplished.
She was back to her old self.

But this friend was out to destroy.
Weak and damaged,
Beautiful but barely functioning.
It’s what she wanted after all.
She was once again envied.
But she wouldn’t notice.

01:53pm 11/10/2005
  i did it...i made my goal..115! wooo!

next goal...110.
     Read 3 - Post
Tell me...   
06:04pm 14/04/2005
  Tell me...

what is the point of eating?
when once you start,
you can't stop...
but when you stop,
it's hard to start eating again.
guess that's what therapy is for...
but why does food run out so fast.
if one were to eat,
the satisfaction is but only shortlived...
they say...
WHY? it'll be gone eventually.
So what's the point?
when i know that the end is near..
and then i'll just have to go get more...
ugh, more food full of the one thing i fear..
a calorie.
o so unsignificant to you?
not for me,
give me one calorie...
i'll burn ten.
no calorie will be in me!
it's like the plague.
But why? i ask you...
why must eating be such hard concept?
it is but food...a big 'nobrainer'
not i,
u give me food...
i calculate
i push it aside.
sigh...this is what i've succumbed to.
but let me be, i ask you
why force something on me
i will not agree
this is what i long for.
i will not stop until i am noticed...
noticed as the perfect...
body, legs, hipbones, arms, collarbones, stomach....
perfect these in me o Ana
Thin will win
and i will win!***
09:54pm 11/04/2005
  Special K bars! only 90 cals! huh...that rocks!

so tomorrow here starts my diet!! horrah. i am going to try to only eat foods under 100 cals and i'm gonna do a 600-400-200-400-600-400-200 diet. I read it somewheres that by doing that you will keep your metabalism going instead of shutting down. i really hope i do this one...i've kinda been a little shit about keeping my promises to my self.! ahh...cross your fingers for me maybe. oooo and if any tips...as always are welcome.!

approx. 25 goldfish-55
1/4 c egg beaters-30
fruit cup-50
sugarfree pudding-60
boca burger-70
light n fit yogurt-60
Pria bars-110(more than 100, but those are for days where i need more energy)

those are just some foods under 100...there's more fo sho!
--> http://www.calorieking.com/ <--

plus my mom is making me eat this breakfast enegry drink...150...bleh. but wen i eat those i'll just b sure not to eat other things.

i swim...woo, excersise!

i am now 116...EHHHHHH

110 is my goal....i might as well just fast...but round here i'm kind monitored on wat i eat...so thats hard.

wish me luck...
mehhhhhhhhh. i wanna BE THIN....:(!!!! omg omg...this is shiit.   
09:35pm 10/04/2005
  i wish i could look like these beautiful people i see.
i want to fit into anything i put on.
i want to feel my bones.
i want to be weak.
i want to feel small.
i want people to hold me delicatly...in fear of breaking me.
i want to be frail.
i want to be envied.
i want to love me...
WHY is it hard!?
i wish i could just refuse food.
i binge...
i want to hide
i want to be SICKLY thiN!
YOU dont understand!
i want to be able to stop eating
i want to not eat my dinner
i am forced to eat...
i really need to say NO.
Please don't worry.
i WANT to be this way.....

I know what needs to be done...now i just have to find a way to do it!! food is NOT the answer.

**make me delicate....
03:54pm 07/04/2005
mood: oooOOooo
Your Inner Eating Disorder by pennyroyalclover
you want to be...
your eating disorder is...anorexia
your ideal weight is...100
you should...go run a mile
Quiz created with MemeGen!
Harder than i thought...   
10:45pm 20/03/2005
  Hmmm alright so i've realized that this is going to be harder than i thought. I thought i would start this diet today but i ended up binging through some of it..AH!

Day 1

Herbal Tea
Toast w/ peanutbutter

Diet Rite

Diet Pepsi

Here's where i screwed up--> COOKIES...sigh, my favorite cookies...they were there and so was i...one thing led to another and b4 i knew what happened i had eaten them...a lot of them..GRRR

Fajita Quesadillas

sighh...i think i'm gonna start over. Yeah. Tomorrow i'm gonna start day one over...cuz ill be in skool so ther will be less of a temptation to binge.

kk. gnight
     Read 3 - Post
01:13pm 20/03/2005
mood: confused
You scored as Eating Disorders. Congratulations! You have an eating disorder! You know what it's like to have "fat" eyelids and that there's exactly 58 calories in one medium-sized green apple. Western society has discarded your well-being for sickly, paper-thin models and celebrities; welcome to the club, sister.


Eating Disorders


Borderline Personality Disorder




Unipolar Depression


Antisocial Personality Disorder


Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder


Which mental disorder do you have?
created with QuizFarm.com
3 days - 10 lbs...weeee   
10:50am 20/03/2005
mood: motivated!
You can loose 10 pounds on this diet!!!...hmm that's almost hard to beleive...but i'm desperate to try anything;) so here i go WOO!

The 3 Day Diet
"3 day diet"

Drink 4 glasses of water or diet soda per day.

You can add herbs, salt, pepper, lemon, vinegar, Worcestershire, soy sauce, mustard & ketchup to your foods.



Black Coffee or Tea w/1-2 packets of Sweet & Low or Equal

1/2 Grapefruit or Juice

1 Toast with 1 Tbsp. Peanut Butter


1/2 Cup of Tuna

1 Toast

Black Coffee or Tea w/1-2 packets of Sweet & Low or Equal


3 Oz. any lean meat or chicken

1 cup green beans

1 cup carrots

1 apple

1 cup regular vanilla ice cream



black coffee or tea w/1-2 packets of Sweet & Low or Equal

1 Egg

1/2 Banana

1 Toast


1 cup cottage cheese or tuna

8 regular saltine crackers


2 beef franks

1 cup broccoli or cabbage

1/2 cup carrots

1/2 banana

1/2 cup regular vanilla ice cream



black coffee or tea w/1-2 packets of Sweet & Low or Equal

5 regular saltine crackers

1 oz. cheddar cheese

1 apple


1 boiled egg

1 toast

black coffee or tea w/1-2 packets of Sweet & Low or Equal


1 cup tuna

1 cup carrots

1 cup cauliflower

1 cup melon

1/2 cup regular vanilla ice cream
SeLf CoNtRoL . . .   
07:08pm 17/03/2005
mood: hopeful
hey there!
mmmmmk so i made this journal cuz i'm going through some crazy things lately in dealing w/ myself and just trying to gain CoNtRoL of things. Also, i can't talk to any of my friends bout this or else they will like FReaK out and send me somewheres. My friend just got back from the hostipal cuz she was anorexic. She understands...but she doesn't kno that i'm going thru this now...and no one will kno how it feels...I'm still trying to figure out if i have and eating disorder...though many signs point to it plainly. I think i've had this ED since winter started pretty much (i hate winter)....around xmas break. I'm anorexic ...though it's a weird on and off thing. Lately i've been noticing that i'll take one day and eat like a fucking animal! i'll eat so much that i'll feel sick. And then the next day i'll feel soo guilty about the day before that i'll fast..so i jump up and down a lot. i want to stop this crAzy binge eating that is just ruining my body... i wish i could have the self control i had before... so here's my way to seek help to those that want to give it to me and ask for advice on eating habits that will bring me back to where i was b4...:) So im turning to this so that i can talk to people who actually know how it feels and what to do to stay so fUcKiNg THIN!
here are my stats-->
Age: 17
CW: 114
LW: 104
GW: 110
Long Term GW: 105
Height: 5'5
ED: anorexic/binge eating

-->fragile...handle with care